I offer these thoughts as I experience the joys and pitfalls of being a grandparent. This is also my perspective having been in the ministry of biblical, marriage, and family counseling for over twenty years.
It has been said that smart people learn from their mistakes, and really smart people learn from other people’s mistakes. I share these with you to the degree that my mistakes, and those of people I’ve helped, might be helpful.
Leave Straight Wheel Tracks
Pastor Johnny Hunt of Woodstock Baptist Church has long exhorted us to leave straight wheel tracks for those who come behind to follow. The Apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians 11:1 to “follow him as he follows Christ.”
Nothing we say or do will impact our children’s or grandchildren’s lives more than the example we leave by finishing well and finishing strong. May our last years of loving God, our spouses, and others be our best and most productive.
If the Lord allows us the luxury of retirement (a word not found in Scripture!), may we use those years in ministry and serving others. May we never unstring our bow or take our hand off the Gospel plow.
Raise Your Children Right
Psalm 127:4 tells us that “children are arrows in the hands of a mighty man.” Once an arrow leaves the bow, the archer has no more control over it.
Simply put, our grown children are no longer our children in the sense of parent/child obedience. They are adults. We had our chance when they were under our roof, now it’s their turn as parents.
In answering the question “what if I didn’t launch them well?,” Pastor Tony Evans answers “you pray for a strong wind” and trust God to bring them back on course.
There is only one verse in the Bible quotes verbatim three times. It’s said by Moses in Genesis 2:24, by Jesus in Mark 10:7-8, and by the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 5:31. Those verses all say: “therefore the husband will leave his mother and father, cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
Notice that the first component of a Biblical marriage is that we leave our mother and father. This means, not only that we leave financially and physically, but also emotionally. Our primary focus is no longer obedience to our parents in the hopes of gaining their approval, but now of obedience to our Heavenly Father with the goal of His approval.
To establish and maintain healthy relationships with our grown, adult children, who now have their children, our relationship must fundamentally change to that of brothers and sisters in Christ. We must learn to see them, and respect them, as adults and friends.
We must love them enough to “let them go,” to live their lives, and be who God calls them to be. We must allow Him to be as patient with them as He was with us. Our children’s allegiance must be to God first, their spouse second, and their children third. Period.
The most loving thing we can do is respect them, encourage them, and be there for them should they ask for advice or assistance. We must be careful offering advice, especially when unsolicited. The respect our grandchildren see us giving their parents will go a long way in influencing the respect the children give their parents. Conversely, if they hear us being critical, fault-finding and judgmental of their parents, will they not follow our example?
Don’t Tell Them How It was In Our Day
Nobody cares—other than Jesus. And He already knows.
Allow For Change
The only thing constant is change. Raising children is different today than when we raised ours. When we raised our kids, it was different from when our parents raised us.
Disposable diapers are not of the devil, nor is microwavable baby food, disposable bottle liners or sound machines. Unless what our children are doing as parents is illegal, dangerous, or sinful, we might want to keep our opinions to ourselves.
A great plan to follow when we see things being done differently than if we were in charge is “Not my circus. Not my monkeys.”
Our Relationship with our Grandchildren
Enjoy them! Make sure they enjoy you! Grandparents may have the luxury of spending time with their grandchildren that their parents may not have.
The primary responsibility of raising children is with their parents, giving grandparents the joy of simply loving them, playing with them, and being with them. Representing Christ well as we seek to set a good example. Teaching our grandchildren how to fish, cook, run a lemonade stand, shoot a BB gun, fly a kite, or pray.
Taking the time to talk with and listen to them. Be ready always to give an answer for the hope that lies within us. Letting them show us around their world. Being sensitive for opportunities to show them how God may be working all around them.
Hopefully, we can be the safe place our grandchildren can turn to, should there come a time when they need to talk to someone other than their parents. Building that trust and relationship requires an investment of time and love, but may offer a return of eternal dividends.
Pray For Them
Prayer is the greater work. Hopefully by the time we are grandparents, we have learned something about praying effectually, fervently, and in a way that our prayers might be heard.
Perhaps the greatest gift we can give to our grandchildren is the prayers that we offer to the Lord for them, for their parents, homes, schools, communities, country, and the prayers that we pray with them.
Be the Batting Coach
To use a baseball analogy, being a parent of grown and married children with children is like being a batting coach. We neither own or manage the team—we’re just a coach.
Chances are good that we’ve had our career, maybe with some success. Now, we’re retired from the active roster. We can go and do anything we wish. But our love for the game keeps us on the team. We have a uniform, attend every game, take our place on the bench, eat sunflower seeds, and are there to help should anyone ask.
We know the game and the opponents incredibly well. We have earned the respect of the players. They know they can come to us for advice as situations warrant. But we also know that this is their time behind the plate, not ours.
We congratulate, encourage, and cheer them on when things are going well. We commiserate, encourage, and are there for them when they strike out. And hopefully now that we’ve rounded third and are heading for home, we’ve left good, straight wheel tracks for them to follow.